Writing a love letter to yourself sounds cringe at first blush. Like, are you the loser who receives only love letters written by yourself?
It goes deeper, though.
Writing love letters to yourself is a wonderfully healing practice, as I’ve discovered after listening to a random podcast featuring Elizabeth Gilbert, who’s an author (of Eat, Pray, Love) you may love or hate, but can’t ignore once you get to know more about her.
This is from her Letters from Love Substack:
“Self-loathing is a rampant virus in our contemporary culture — so prevalent as to have become the default setting in most of our minds. Seldom do we even stop to question whether it is normal or healthy to live within a consciousness that is constantly attacking, judging, and insulting itself. But to condemn yourself as unlovable is to swallow a terrible lie. And to believe that you must earn love through perfectionism, or that you must seek love from others in order to become whole, turns all of us into hungry beggars. I believe there is an ocean of warm, affectionate, and outrageously unconditional love available to us all — and that it is conveniently accessible from within. I don’t believe anyone is excluded from this ocean of love; it is only a question of learning how to hear it, how to feel it, how to trust it.”
Each of us carries within us a multiplicity of voices. As a child of South Asian parents, my parents’ voices are the loudest. And like most Asian parents, they believed that undue praise could harm a child, and guess what? All praise was considered undue.
The voices from my childhood often remind me that I’m ugly, too skinny, lazy, not bright enough, too bookish, that success never finds me, or finds me too late. That I’m not enough. Not enough to earn due praise.
Due praise was of course given, but it was narrated to others, in my absence. When I was not in town, my parents praised me to their friends and neighbors. All of this was well-meant, intended not to give me a “big-bloated head.” In South Asian households, praise always ‘goes to the head’. Or it attracts the ‘evil eye’–misfortune brought on by tempting fate through (undue) praise.
In short, my parents parented me the only way they knew how–through a cycle of criticism that led to self-loathing, that led to more self-criticism and self-doubt and perfectionism and more self-loathing.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve found self-doubt helpful during my writing journey. ‘Ah maybe this is crap’ has helped me improve over the years. What doesn’t help is ‘maybe I’m crap’, the voice that keeps telling me ‘I’m unworthy’.
That voice which tells you ‘you’re not enough’ or ‘you’re undeserving’, causes real harm, because it prevents you from taking a chance on opportunities open to you, on letting books or stories go out into the world. It keeps you away from love, the best kind there is. Self-love.
The first time I tried a love letter to myself, using a term of endearment I use for others I love, was a very very very uncomfortable experience. My super-power is persistence though, so I persevered.
Writing that love letter to myself allowed me to gain that validation I craved from others. It left me stronger in the face of rejection (which is a part of the process in publication), and helped me deal with natural, but unhelpful emotions like jealousy and lack of self-worth.
The love within has grown more accessible with time, and it is a balm to the parched soul always hungry for praise. I AM enough, I AM worthy, I AM lovable, are messages my body-mind needed in order to function better. SO much of our sickness and moral turpitude is due to this lack of love.
The more I see angry, self-centered, cruel humans, I wonder how it would have turned out if they’d found love–from their parents, significant others, and most important of all, themselves. We hate in others what we most hate in ourselves, and if we can love ourselves, we have more love for the world. Learning to love yourself without sinking into vanity, entitlement or obsession can be the most important lesson to teach your child.
The voice that says, ‘are you the loser who receives only love letters written by yourself ‘ is the voice of self-hatred and shame.
The love letter to self offers a different perspective:
You are worthy of love. You are strong enough to give yourself the love you need. You are important and the love you hold for yourself and others is important. You matter. You’re not alone. You’re loved, without conditions. All versions of you are equally worthy of love. You’re loved when you’re in darkness. You’re loved when you’re in sunshine. You’re loved when you’re filthy with self-loathing, or jealousy or guilt or violence. You’re loved and supported when you’re defenseless against cruelty. You’re home even when you don’t have one. You’re embraced even when you have no one to call friend or family. You’re loved. You Are love. You’re filled with love and made of love, and deserving of the infinite tenderness of a loving universe. A drop in the ocean doesn’t need to seek the ocean. You are the love you seek.
Some people find this unconditional love through their faith. Others go looking for it and find it in nature or pets. A rare few are fortunate enough to find it in parents or lovers even if for a brief while.
If some of us are still seeking, I invite you to write yourself a love-letter from love.
If unconditional love had a voice, what would it say to you? Have you ever written love-letters to yourself? Have you ever given validation to your inner self? What did it feel like? If unconditional love wrote to you, what would it say?
This is the first Wednesday of the month post for the Insecure Writer’s Support Group. (It’s late, because that’s how I roll these days). Founded by the Ninja Cap’n Alex J. Cavanaugh, the purpose of the group is to offer a safe space where writers can share their fears and insecurities without being judged.
The awesome co-hosts for the posting of the IWSG are Joylene Nowell Butler, Louise Barbour, and Tyrean Martinson!
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My Amazon-bestselling literary crime novels, The Blue Bar and The Blue Monsoon are on Kindle Unlimited now. Add to Goodreads or snag a copy to make my day ! And if you’d like to read a book outside the series, you can check out You Beneath Your Skin. Find all info about my books on my Amazon page or Linktree.
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What a beautiful exercise to complete. Thank you for this wonderful insightful assignment.
A tall order, and what a great thing to do on Valentine’s Day, Damyanti!
Thank you, Pam, I appreciate it!
Well, I love this beautiful idea! Growing up in the very practical American Midwest, I’m not sure I’d ever even heard of “self-love” until I was an adult. You loved God, your neighbor, your parents, your lover, and your friends. Why would you need to love yourself? But self-love can give a person so much peace that, I’m convinced, one never finds outside of one’s self. Thanks for giving me a lot to think about today, Damyanti. And happy almost Valentine’s Day (here in the U.S.). I will be celebrating by buying myself a treat, ha!
I can relate! Self-love was such a foreign concept to me. Even now, I haven’t completely managed to mesh it into my mindset and attitude towards myself, but I’m proud of the little steps. Like you said, there’s a sense of peace and contentment which only comes from within, and no amount of external validation can truly match. I really appreciate you stopping by, and Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy the treat (and thank you for giving me an excuse to buy myself a treat, too)!
Damyanti, this post truly hits home for me. As a child, my mom always found the critical things to say to me – your hair is too long, your skirt is too short, why do you do this, why do you do that – rather than being my cheerleader. Mom and dad were not huggers. I hated my own appearance and that led to co-dependence, which led to a 30-year marriage to a narcissist. It took a change of relationship with the parents and a divorce for me to find my own voice and self-worth. It took the support from co-workers, friends and family, and a loving church community, for me to find myself and know that there is goodness in me. I still struggle from time to time with loving myself instead of beating myself up, so perhaps a letter to myself might be a good practice. Thank you for the words of love and wisdom, have a wonderful day and week!
I’m so sorry that happened to you. Thank you for sharing this with me and for showing that there’s always a way out of the darkness, no matter how difficult it may be in the moment. Congratulations on making it through! You’re an inspiration, and it’s incredible to hear how you became the person you are today — kind, resilient, and capable. With a combination of community support and self-love, it feels like we can overcome anything. I hope the love letters are just as helpful to you as they were for me. You deserve to know that you’re valued and worthy, and a reminder never hurts. Sending you lots of positive vibes, and wishing you all the best!
A love letter to self is a beautiful idea and much like beng kind to oneself just as we are to others.
Praise is certainly an underrated idea for many many parents.
It’s sad to hear how so many have been through the same thing. An excess of criticism and too little praise to feel recognized or supported. Now we have the chance to treat ourselves the way we wish we had been treated, and to replace self-loathing with love.
This is such a lovely idea. There are too many voices out there telling we aren’t good enough that it’s easy to believe it. This is great reminder for us to be our own cheerleaders.
Yes, and it can be so easy to let the negativity consume us and to believe that we’re not worthy of our achieving our dreams. A phrase I like to keep in mind is “We deserve what we believe we deserve”. The only person who can truly stop us from trying is ourselves.
Hi there! I have never written a love letter to myself. I have, however, written hate letters to myself and to people in my life who … let’s say that if they knew what I felt about them, they would have likely proven my grandmother right. She tried to teach me not to let people know what would make me unhappy, or else they would use that against me every chance they could (she died before social media trolls existed, but wow, I think she was prescient!). I have never kept the letters. Once they’re written, I have either shredded them or burned them, and I always feel better afterward.
That sounds like such a great cleansing ritual! I haven’t tried your method (mostly because I live in an apartment with a very sensitive smoke alarm), but I can imagine it must feel freeing — like pouring out the negative energy and banishing it into the void. And thank you for sharing some of your grandmother’s wisdom!
I haven’t ever written a love letter to myself. It’s a great idea. I do understand how even well-meaning parents can sometimes say things that can mess with one’s self-image forever. It takes a long time to regenerate the confidence and comfort with ourselves.
Absolutely. Often, it’s a lifelong effort. Like you said, even parents with the best intentions at heart can make mistakes or speak without thinking in moments of anger. Certain phrases stick so clearly, no matter how long ago they may have been said. It’s up to us to proceed with all the compassion we can muster, not only to heal ourselves but to protect future generations.
Very eye-opening. I should do this to myself every once in a while 🌻
Eye-opening on my end, too! I hope it works out for you.
I wrote myself pep-talks. Another college coping mechanism.
I wish I had thought of that when I was in college!
I suppose they helped me in the moment, but what I really needed at the time was a break from school to figure myself out. Too bad I didn’t know how to admit I was struggling. By the time I actually spoke up, that ship had sailed.
It’s terrible living in a society where self-worth and self-love are considered taboo. I grew up in a place where I wasn’t appreciated and loved as much, I wasn’t allowed to be myself, and that immensely affected me, with anxiety and depression. I think I needed to reparent myself and heal my inner child, which is still an ongoing process.
You nailed it so perfectly when you said we are the love that we seek.
I’m so sorry you went through that. We’re so often forced to grow up before we’re ready, to be mature and responsible, to fend for ourselves when, really, we should be enjoying our childhoods. I suppose the logic is that the more burdens we carry, the stronger we get and the quicker we become independent. But it never quite works out that way. Instead, the burdens are just burdens and we’re left wondering when things will get lighter. In a world where being tough is the expectation, softness and vulnerability needs to be protected at all costs. I wish you all the healing that you deserve, and for you to be surrounded by the love and appreciation which was withheld.
Thanks so much.
Tight hugs, D!
No, I haven’t written a love letter to myself. But one thing I started a month ago, is to look at myself in the bathroom mirror every morning, and tell myself how much I love me, how proud I am of me, how brave I am, and how I am perfect in every way. It has become a habit without which I don’t leave the bathroom.
Your words –the ones you wrote — I am going to save them, to read when self-doubt hits me like a tsunami. And yes, I am going to write a love letter to me, soon.
Thank you SO much for this post!
That means the world to me, Shilpa! I’ve always blogged with the intention of creating a safe space, both for myself and the wonderful people, like you, who take the time to stop by. Putting our words and voices out into the world can be so daunting, and I’m so thrilled that this post means something to you. I hope your first experience with writing a love letter to yourself is just as momentous as it was for me. The battle against self-doubt is a long and difficult one, but never without hope. Your morning ritual an incredible approach to that, so thank you for inspiring me!
I dont think I’d be here if I hadn’t learnt to love myself . I have an extensive inner family-including pets that I shower with love and praise each night before I sleep. I find specific things to praise each member and tell them all I love them no matter what.
That’s such a beautiful practice! Everyone needs to hear that they’re seen and appreciated. It’s so easy to take our loved ones for granted — telling them how much they mean to us is healing on both ends.
Creating my positive feedback loop started in the corporate world. As others have noted, Damyanti, you might wait forever for a boost. I learned to create key indicators that would tell me whether my work trended in the right direction, and the same goes for our personal lives. Your letter is a great example. Thanks for sharing this heartfelt and important lesson.
Your ability to observe and adapt is incredible. I’m jealous! It took me years of trial, failure, and confusion to figure out where my writing stands and how I want to proceed with it. It’s taken even longer to apply that to myself, and my approach to life. After all the self-criticism and uncertainty, the positive feedback loop has been a breath of fresh air. I appreciate you stopping by!
A significant emotional event birthed the ability to observe and adapt. The learning curve began with a simple vow. Ambitious but inexperienced, my frustration bubbled over because I could not understand why those above me would not share what they knew. To the point, I did not know the unwritten rules of corporate games. I vowed to learn the rules and play until I won. Books served as my mentor. Self-made feedback loops let me know whether the trajectory of my progress charted up or down. This vow and progress came at a great price, and only a glance over the shoulder highlights the simplicity.
Hi Damyanti – the answer is no … I’ve never written a love letter to myself … though I have to admit when starting my blogging ‘career’ I’ve had some pretty complementary comments … and I know my mother and uncle valued me at their lives’ end … but I’d never draft one to me though … cheers Hilary
Thanks for sharing, Hilary! Your blog is always a pleasure to read, so it’s no surprise that the comment section reflects that. Here’s to many more years of complementary comments and a fantastic blogging career!
Parenting is such a tricky thing, you never know how to do it. I guess taking our children too much for granted is not the way to do it. Learning every day. Reading a post like this is quite the reality check for me.
I can’t speak from personal experience, but parenting is undoubtedly a tremendous responsibility. Many of my friends have told me that their children changed them for the better, teaching them to be more compassionate, patient, and resilient than ever before. The lessons learned go both ways. We can only do our best to be open-minded and receptive to transformation and growth.
My mother did the same thing – in Mexico. She was surprised once when, as an adult, I mentioned that I felt I had never satisfied their requirements, and said, “But I talked about you all the time to my friends.” I’m not sure she even got it when I told her that I never knew any of that.
Didn’t rear my children that way – what a stupid thing to do, especially to a bright cooperative kid. Sorry you went through it, too.
Some more modern parents carry the opposite to an extreme (participation trophies?), but I’d hope the pendulum starts to slow down.
But it probably doesn’t help when the last thing I want to do is market my novels to people – because bragging was so vigorously suppressed that any self-promotion feels like a capital offense. Especially when they say it takes 7 times before people will try something new. Which means SIX rejections first from each new reader. Gak!
I wonder if it still affects popular writers.
The healthier alternative is to realize some people will, and some won’t, like your writing, and that your job is not the impossible one of pleasing every reader, but of finding the people somehow predisposed to like your kind of writing.
Social media keeps insisting I promote myself and make myself look like some amazing person while life, philosophy, and spiritual progress teaches me to be humble and realize how small everything is in the face of infinity. The first thing most people have to give up to be rich is their emotional health.
Many of my friends have shared similar experiences. I think of it as the mindset of a generation, where tough love was thought to be the best way to raise a child and displays of affection were few and far between. But times have definitely changed. As you said, some have taken it to the other extreme where any sort of scolding is frowned upon and saying no to one’s child is avoided at all costs. It’s a balancing act, and one which I never decided to try, so I admire the parents who have raised their children to be strong and independent, yet kind and secure in the knowledge that they have their family’s unconditional love and support. As for the topic of writing rejections and reluctance to self-promote, I can relate! Exciting as it may be, publishing is such a challenge. I can’t count the number of times I’ve felt like giving up, and simply chucking the time, effort, and wasted words to the wind. But, like you, I came to the realization that it’s impossible to please everyone. All we can do is our best.
For people who have experienced harmful criticism but who can’t imagine writing a love letter to themselves, it might work if they addressed the letter to their child self, the one who endured the criticism. It would be written from the person’s present and hopefully wiser perspective, reassuring the child that they are loved and worthwhile.
I do sort of wish I could send an email to my younger self with weightlifting tips.
That’s a lovely idea. It’s heartbreaking to think of the things our childhood selves might have endured, and how so much of that could have been resolved through compassion. We’re often so hard on ourselves that we forget what it means to be gentle. After years of self-doubt and constant criticism, I realized that I had become the person I need to protect myself from.
Wrong ideas about ourselves that were baked in when we were kids are the hardest to change, I agree.
I find it sad you were not given positive reinforcement in your upbringing Damyanti. You are a high achiever, and you are beautiful so have a lot of things to pat yourself on the back over. My parents were so supportive and encouraging and I have a deep love for them because of that even though they have passed on now.
Thank you for sharing the lovely influence your parents had on your life. They sound like wonderful people. And thank you for spreading the same kind of support and encouragement that they showed you!
It is definitely important to fight self loathing. I am not sure I would write a love letter to myself, but if it helps some people, it is defintely worth doing. Constant comparisons with others and focus of on what could have been, is very unhealthy and unfair to yourself.
If someone doesn’t like themselves, why would they believe their love letter to themselves?
Absolutely, and I’ve fallen prey to comparison more times than I can count. I think many others might say the same, especially with social media to point out exactly what we don’t have. By staying offline and in the present as much as possible, I’ve been able to keep self-loathing at bay.
What a lovely exercise. Just taking the time to stop and reflect seems healing. Unlike affirmations which are future oriented in a way, this is a beautiful practice of mindfulness and gratitude in the present. Thanks so much for the positive post.
Thank you for stopping by, and for the lovely comment. With the speed and unpredictability of everyday life, it’s such a privilege to be able to take a moment and appreciate ourselves as we are. I’ve often felt the need to change something, or everything, about my life, my experiences, my current situation — all while overlooking the blessings of the present. It’s so important to make self-love a habit, rather than an afterthought.
<3
If only more people gave praise and love, encouraged and uplifted, this would be a much better world.
Kindness and compassion can save lives. There’s no telling how valuable the smallest gesture of warmth can be in a world which is so often cold and cruel.
Hello Damyanti,
Thanks so much for sharing this really positive post. It has never occurred to me to write myself a love letter but I shall definitely consider it. I can imagine it could be encouraging to refer to when one is feeling low in self-esteem. For myself, the voice of unconditional love would be the voice of Jesus, who gave his life for me, and indeed for all of humankind. My self-love voice would hopefully be informed by this fact.
Have a great weekend.
I’m glad that the post resonated with you! I never expected to become so engrossed in the practice of writing love letters to myself but, once I got over the feelings of embarrassment and skepticism, it was liberating. Thank you for sharing your experience with unconditional love! It’s beautiful to have a source of endless support, and in knowing that there is always somewhere to go or someone to turn to in difficult times.
Absolutely! Thank you for getting back to me and apologies for my delayed response
How can one loves others when they don’t love themselves?
That’s a question I’ve asked myself time and time again, and sometimes still struggle to find the answer to. The only conclusion I’ve managed to come up with is that it’s complicated. In some of my darkest moments, I’ve felt the weight of wanting to isolate myself and shy from any affection or kindness, simply because I believed I wasn’t worthy. At the same time, I’ve also experienced a heart-aching type of love and gratitude for the people who stuck by my side through everything, offering their unconditional support. Like most things in life, the answer to this question can be so varied, not only from one individual to another but within our own lifetimes and experiences.
No, I’ve never written a love letter to myself. I’ve just had a lot of therapy.
That works, too! It took me so long to get over the stigma around going for therapy, especially with how taboo the topic of mental health issues was when I was growing up. Seeing others openly discussing their struggles and raising awareness about the side effects of repressing negative emotions was a game changer.
Thanks, Damyanti. 🥰
I have to say, this doesn’t resonate with me, though I can see how it would for others.
Thank you for sharing your perspective, Jacqui. I appreciate you stopping by.
I hear you, those voices can be loud but requires lot of self reflection, solitude and healing.
Absolutely. Three of the things I’ve taken years to learn, and will probably spend many more years trying to master.